


Vertigo

by ourspring



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety, Slow Burn, and of course there's gonna be heavy emotions bc i love being predictable, plus a summer fic all mixed in one, this is a childhood best friends trope, yes i'm posting this in the middle of december IDC
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 16:23:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16998441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourspring/pseuds/ourspring
Summary: “You missed me?” Youngjae asks in a quiet voice.Everything is quiet around them but so loud at the same time. Youngjae is suddenly aware of the water and the crickets chirping loudly in the background. Of all the sounds that the night brought with it. Something about it makes him sway as if there is a boat still under his feet trying to make him lose his balance. He’s not drunk but he feels a little delirious right now. A little dizzy.“Yeah. I did. I missed you a lot.”Youngjae feels something, right then, that he hadn’t been expecting.He feels sadness.





	Vertigo

**Author's Note:**

  * For [busylittlebee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/busylittlebee/gifts).



> for lu ♡ i promised you i'd gift this fic to you for christmas if i ever got around to writing it. well... guess what.

The gloomy setting seems fitting for today, Youngjae thinks to himself as he looks out the window of the passenger seat. It’s been cloudy since they left this morning, and the rain began to fall hours ago and has yet to give. The lack of sun brings a chill with it and there is just something about rainy days that seem to drain him.

It’s not a bad thing. It simply just makes him tired.

Tired in a way that makes him want to curl up into his bed and wrap the covers around him and sleep until it all eventually goes away. He wants to listen to it fall and wants to enjoy the sound of it hitting the roof over his head, or maybe even the nearest window to him. Youngjae likes the rain, despite how it makes him feel, but today it feels darker and more oppressive than usual.

But it’s not the only factor that’s bringing such a depressing mood, either.

“Remember this place?” his father’s suddenly asks, ducking forward to point towards the strip mall as they drive past it, directing Youngjae’s gaze to the familiar neon sign of the local family diner. It still looked just as old and run down as he can vaguely remember it. Face remaining neutral, he simply nods his head and gives a hum, avoiding actually looking at his father despite his multiple attempts at starting conversation with him.

The guilt weighs on him quickly. He feels bad because he knows his dad is trying, but it’s hard for him to act like he isn’t upset still.

Sure, he’s in the car with him now. He did agree to spend his summer at the old lake house with his dad so that they could try to reconnect. He knew what he was signing up for from the beginning.

It didn’t make it any easier, though.

Luckily, his dad doesn’t seem eager to push things, taking his acknowledgement as enough of an answer and focusing back on the road.

The silence between them stays until Youngjae feels the car hit a gravel road. The familiar sound of the tires going over the rocks hit him with a wave of nostalgia before he can even fully prepare himself, and he leans forward to look out the front window as the car goes down the path that leads them to the tucked away neighborhood where their little lake house resided.

Everything was familiar here. Despite it having been years since he’d seen it all.

They pull up into the driveway and Youngjae is out of the car before his dad can even shift the gear into park, needing to stretch his legs and breath in air that isn’t stuffy and full of unspoken words that he wasn’t yet ready to address.

“Home sweet home,” his dad chuckles as he exits the car, and Youngjae offers him a wince of a smile before turning to look up at the lake house himself.

The two story still stood strong, even if the steel blue paint had dulled quite a lot over the years. The window panes were still painted white. The old wooden chairs spread out of the front porch were still the same. Even the flowers seemed the same.

Walking into it was an even bigger wave of nostalgia, the dim lighting bringing back memories and it smelled the same, too. Youngjae ignored his dad as he walked past him, mentioning something about food but his attention is on getting to his old bedroom as soon as he can, desperate for some sort of privacy before he jumps out his skin. The floorboards creak underneath his shoes as he takes the stairs, making the sharp left turn and pushing open the door to his old bedroom, feeling a small smile quirk onto the edge of his lips at the familiar pictures and stickers scattered all over the front of it.

Just as he expected, nothing had changed.

In a way, it was almost unsettling to walk into a bedroom that was technically his own, but Youngjae hadn’t seen it for nearly six years.

There were posters on the wall of bands he used to listen to, an old tv pushed back on a desk with dvds stacked up in front of it. The room was definitely his, but it wasn’t who he was now, and Youngjae couldn’t shake how he felt out of place in his own room. But really, he felt out of place being back in this small town any way. The bedroom was just a bit more startling.

Throwing his bags down and flopping onto the full-sized bed, he lets out a huff and pushes his face into the blankets beneath him, inhaling slowly and then letting it go, feeling the tightness in his chest alleviate with it.

The blanket smells the same too.

Youngjae buries his face deeper into it, hands coming up to grasp onto the familiar bedspread. Eventually he's messing up the made bed entirely, throwing the blanket over him and rolling over onto his back, gaze staring up at the bare ceiling before drifting to take in his surroundings again.

He hears the rain now in the way he had been wanting to while cooped up in the car for so long. He can hear it hitting the roof and the glass of his one window. It relaxes him, the lull of the sound making his eyes feel heavy, and Youngjae thinks if he lays here for a bit longer he could easily fall asleep.

 

“Youngjae?”

Youngjae sits up quickly to look towards his bedroom door he had left open, blinking at his dad who seemed a little nervous but was still offering him a smile.

“I’m going to order some food. Pizza or Chinese?”

Frowning, he shrugs and is about to say that he doesn’t care, but then that guilt suddenly comes rearing back and makes him pause and rethink it.

“Pizza is fine. I’ll take pepperoni and sausage.”

“Alright. I’ll go ahead and get that ordered so you can get yourself settled. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”

“Thanks,” Youngjae mumbles out, waiting for him to leave before letting out a heavy sigh and flopping back onto his bed once more.

The rest of the night goes by pretty easily. Youngjae eventually unpacks and when the pizza is delivered, he sits in the old living room and watches some tv show with his dad in a sad attempt to try and initiate some sort of bonding. It feels awkward, but he’s doing his best not to make that so apparent—for both of their sakes.

Youngjae wasn’t about to let this whole summer feel like this. But for the first day, he’d let it go.

“You’ll have to check out the town sometime tomorrow. There are a lot of new food places that opened up over the past few years, especially with the tourism numbers raising during the summer holidays. It can get pretty crazy around here. There’s a lot of kids your age that are here for their summer vacations too, so I’m sure it won’t be too terrible for you.”

Youngjae stares ahead at the tv as his dad continues to talk, blinking at the moving pictures but not taking in exactly what’s happening, and instead letting the words process in his brain. He wants to tell his dad that he’s not going to be going to any crazy parties with people he doesn’t know and that he’s not eager to do anything like that in general, but his dad’s voice holds a tinge of eagerness in it that Youngjae can’t bear to snap at, so he just nods his head.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll check it out.”

“Your little friend still lives around here too.”

Brow furrowing, Youngjae finally turns away from the television to give his dad a questioning look. “My little friend?”

“The one you always would hang out with years ago?” his dad says. “You two were almost inseparable back when we would come down here for the summer. He’s only a street or so away.”

Suddenly, Youngjae remembers who he’s talking about and the shock of it makes him jerk.

“Jaebum still lives here?” Youngjae asks for clarification, the name leaving his lips feeling foreign. He hadn’t thought about the older boy in… well, years. How had he managed to forget about Jaebum? The thought doesn’t settle well with him but Youngjae decides to ignore it for now.

“Yep. Hasn’t left despite most people coming and going. I’m not sure what he’s doing with himself but his family still owns that fuel station out by the docks. He works there a lot. I see him hanging out there most days—especially during the summer.”

“Oh.”

“Maybe you should stop by there tomorrow too and say hi to him. I’m sure he’d be happy to see you.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

His heart begins to race in his chest at the suggestion. Youngjae doesn’t know for sure why it makes him so nervous, it just does, but there is also some curiosity lingering underneath all of it that makes Youngjae wonder if he should actually do what his dad is suggesting.

He’ll just sleep on it.

  

*

 

_"Why don't you go outside for a little bit, honey, while mommy and daddy unpack the living room."_

_Youngjae looks at his mother when she enters the room, pouting at the suggestion._

_"But it's boring outside," he whines out. "There's nothing to do out there."_

_"I'm sure you could find something to do!" his mother answers breezily, giving him a smile. Youngjae only huffs._

_"If I'm not mistaken, I think I saw a small park just down the road. You could go there and check it out!"_

_Youngjae pouts more when his dad enters the room, looking around the space they're in and at all the packed boxes spread out and stacked. "I can't help you guys?" he asks, even though he didn't want to help much with that either._

_"Your dad and I have this under control. We just need the time to do it and since you'll be spending the summer here, you might as well check everything out," his mother says, moving towards him and running her fingers through his hair. "It'll only be for a bit. We'll come and get you when it's done and then get some dinner, okay?"_

_The smile she gives him makes him swallow back the complaint that wants to slip, and Youngjae sighs before giving a nod, picking himself up from the floor and leaving with a promise that he would stay at the playground until they came for him._

_It only takes about five minutes for him to find it, and his dad hadn't been joking when he called it small. It was barely even a park. Thick wood surrounded it, keeping in the mulch that it was filled with. There was a small swing set for two and a slide off to the side, and two spring riders that looked like horses._

_Youngjae frowns as he takes it in, dragging his feed up to the swing set and falling into the leather seat with a huff._

_When his parents told him they bought a house at the lake, he thought it would be for fun vacations a couple times a year. Not the entire summer._

_He sits in the swing for awhile, complaining to himself and watching himself kick at the mulch underneath his shoes until a pair of sandaled feet suddenly appear in his line of vision. Youngjae jumps and looks up, blinking at the strange boy who was now standing in front of him and looking at him curiously._

_"I've never seen you before," the boy says._

_"I just moved here for the summer." Youngjae answers. The boy seems easily convinced, a big smile crossing his face seconds later._

_"Awesome! My name's Jaebum. How old are you?"_

_"I'm Youngjae. I'm five."_

_"I'm older than you! I'm seven."_

_Youngjae nods his head, unsure of what Jaebum wants but finding his smile friendly. "Do you live here?" he asks curiously._

_"Yep! I live right down that way," Jaebum says, turning to point down the road that continues past the park and towards the dock off in the distance. "My family lives by that dock and my dad helps give gas to the boats when they need it. He's got a whole gas station on it! We have boats there all the time."_

_"That's cool."_

_"Yeah, it is pretty cool, isn't it?" Jaebum moves to sit in the swing beside him, pushing off the ground and the swingset squeals loudly at the sharp motion. Youngjae looks up at it with wide eyes, smile breaking across his face. "This thing sounds like an elephant!" he says offhandedly, laughing as the sound continues the higher Jaebum gets. He hears laugher from him as the swing takes him back._

_"Bet you can't get as high as me!"_

_The smile on Youngjae's face grows, hands coming up to grasp at the chains of his own swing as he kicks off the ground and begins to swing alongside the other._

_"Yes I can! Just watch me!"_

 

 * 

 

It’s really stuffy.

That’s the first thought that comes to Youngjae’s mind when he enters the shop. The door had been propped open, the few windows at the front cracked, and the small fan mounted into the cabinet above the cashier counter is on in an attempt to cool the interior of the place down.

The second thought that comes to his mind is the realization that it's also completely empty.

It’s not as though he had come to the decision early this morning while making coffee that he would come down to the dock to see for himself if Jaebum was there or not. Of course, that wasn’t it at all. His legs just happened to take him here. It was probably muscle memory from taking the road that led him from his house to this spot so many times over the years he had spent here.

Yeah. That was definitely it.

Youngjae was definitely not disappointed, either.

He should probably just turn back around and leave before he does something stupid. He still had the whole town to re-explore, even with a large part of him that wasn’t very eager to do that. Really, the only reason he was considering doing it was because it got him out of the house and away from his dad.

The house felt too heavy right now. Youngjae couldn't shake the feeling that his dad was waiting and it made him restless.

So, yeah. Space from the house was probably a good idea right now.

It's when Youngjae is finally coming to his decision to leave while still awkwardly lingering a few feet inside the shop that the loud whirring of a motor catches his attention. Instinctively, Youngjae turns to peer out the open door and towards the dock that he had purposefully avoided looking at when making his way to the shop originally. He watches as a boat pulls up to one of the pumps and drops anchor. There is music blaring from it, a pretty big group of people laughing loudly and talking over one another while they rush around. It's enough of a ruckus that Youngjae moves to leave as quickly as he can.

"Yo! Jaebum! Fill her up, will you?" one of the guys shout as he hops off the boat, waving out.

Youngjae's feet come to an immediate halt and he watches as a figure seems to appear out of thin air, striding up to the boat.

It was the name that had made Youngjae stop, so he knows who it is, but seeing the back of him throws him off more than he had anticipated.

Something curls into his chest and tightens, the realization that Jaebum was right there hitting him and making his sandaled feet press into the wood underneath him some more. None of this anxiety makes sense right now, but thoughts are flooding his mind that he can’t seem to control, unsure of what to do with himself now. Would Jaebum even remember who he was? Did Jaebum even want to see him after years of no contact with no explanation? Would he be angry? Unkind? Why was Youngjae so scared of someone who used to be so close to him? Did he really care that much what Jaebum would think? They were practically strangers now, weren’t they?

Even looking at the back of his frame now, there was already a drastic difference from the scrawny one that seventeen-year-old Jaebum had had back when he last remembered him.

Youngjae doesn’t get much time to dwell on his thoughts before he realizes a small group of people that had been on the boat are now bounding across the dock towards the shop he’s still standing in. Without thinking, he stumbles further into it and darts behind one of the little aisles, using whatever coverage he can to put distance between him and them.

Ducking his head when they come in, his gaze focuses on the shelves in front of him, hands reaching out to look through the assortment of snack foods as casually as he can. The group seems more interested in restocking their alcohol though than giving him a second glance, and after a few minutes Youngjae feels his heart beat fall into a more normal rhythym.

Of course, it only lasts for a second because somehow he had forgotten about Jaebum.

This is why he should've left when he realized the place was empty. This was the stupid thing he had been concerned about doing.

“Hey, man, do you have any fruitier drinks or somethin’ for the girls?” one of the guys suddenly asks out loud when Jaebum steps into the shop.

Youngjae’s gaze lifts to look up at him and for the quickest second he catches Jaebum’s eyes—

And then his nerves get the best of him and he ducks completely, dropping to squat behind the aisle like the embarrassment that he is, face flushing a deep red at his own actions now and feeling completely mortified at the immediate flight response that surged through him. He doesn't even know if Jaebum had enough time to realize who he was and he hopes that he didn't, unsure of how to explain his reaction.

Either way, he was stuck in this shop now.

Stupid. So stupid.

Inhaling slowly through his nose, Youngjae listens as Jaebum converses with the other group, chuckling and sharing some jokes with them as they find what they’re looking for and check out. Youngjae is depending solely on his auditory senses right now, body locked in the position that it’s in and refusing to move, so he can’t actually see what’s happening on the other side. It sounds like things are being bagged, the girls are giggling and stepping outside the shop. He hears flips flops hitting the wood of the dock and conversation becoming more and more distant as they walk away.

The only disadvantage right now is that Youngjae doesn’t know if Jaebum left with them or not, and that thought alone keeps him rooted to where he is longer than necessary, hands hovering over the expanse of granola bars and crackers in his attempt to continue his facade of looking casual.

A couple seconds of silence pass and Youngjae lets out a breath, assuming that Jaebum left with them now that he couldn't hear anything.

“Can I help you find something?” a voice suddenly asks from his right.

And Youngjae, who had been solely focused on his left, head turned in that direction and leaving his right side completely defenseless, lets out a loud gasp and falls to the side from the shock of it.

“I’m sorry—I didn’t mean to scare you,” the voice says quickly although Youngjae thinks he hears a hint of laughter in it. If he wasn’t so embarrassed right now he'd probably find it insulting.

“It’s fine!” Youngjae rushes, still awkwardly turned away from the other because _he knows who it is_.

His voice is definitely deeper; but it still somehow feels the same.

“You’ve just been in here for awhile so I thought maybe you needed help with something. I’ve never seen someone so focused on granola and cheese crackers before.”

Despite wanting the ground to open up and swallow him whole, Youngjae feels an exasperated breath of laughter break from his chest, finally mustering up enough of his dignity to stand and look at the other.

Somehow the silence between them becomes even quieter—Youngjae feels the air shift in a way he doesn't know how to describe.

He sees the recognition cross Jaebum’s face. Watches as the other’s eyes widen and take him in.

And Youngjae doesn’t know what to say right now. What was he even supposed to say, anyway? Somehow something along the lines of  _‘Hey, I know it’s been six years since we’ve seen each other and I left without a word but I’m here for the summer and was curious as to what you have been doing with your life since we last saw each other’_  didn’t seem very appropriate.

“Uh—Wow.” Jaebum says after awhile, still staring at him. 

“Wow?” Youngjae repeats back, unsure of how to take it. Jaebum suddenly seems to shake himself, blinking rapidly before letting a smile finally cross his face.

“Sorry—but yeah. Wow. I mean- Wow, that was a really dumb way to greet you, wasn’t it? It wasn’t a bad wow, though. It was a good one. I just—you know…" his hands make a weird motion to emphasize something that Youngjae still isn't sure how to interpret.

“Wow?” Jaebum finishes.

Youngjae feels himself relax at how Jaebum was rambling, finding some amusement in it.

“Yeah I guess I get it,” he offers in an attempt to direct them towards an actual conversation.

Jaebum brings a hand up to run through his hair, laughing abruptly. “Let me try that again?” he asks and Youngjae can only nod. Jaebum takes a breath. “Wow, I really didn’t expect you to be here and didn't even know you were in town but also wow, it’s really good to see you again, Youngjae.”

His words feel genuine and Youngjae relaxes more.

“Yeah... it’s good to see you again too.” Youngjae replies, hands finding the fabric of his shorts and twisting it nervously. Luckily Jaebum doesn’t notice, eyes still focused on his face as if he’s taking him all in, and Youngjae feels himself fluster a bit. He grasps for whatever words he can quickly to try and break the others focus.

“I didn’t mean to just show up so randomly,” Youngjae starts with a wince. “Well, I mean, I did but not—not like this, you know?” he adds, laughing nervously.

“You knew I’d be here?”

Jaebum looks surprised, head tilting to the side and Youngjae wants to bite his tongue at how he had just cluelessly exposed himself. He should’ve played it cool and acted like it was just coincidence that he had ended up here.

“I-I mean yeah. I guess I figured? And also, my dad might’ve mentioned that you worked here now.” Youngjae explains. Jaebum seems to accept it easily.

“Oh. So you’re here with your dad?”

“Yeah. I am.”

“When did you get in?”

“Yesterday.”

The brief small talk dies when Jaebum doesn’t respond, staring at him again like he had been doing just minutes ago, until Youngjae can't take it anymore and clears his throat. “But, anyway, yeah. I know you’re on the clock and working and all that, so I won’t take up anymore of your time. I just—I don’t know. He told me you still lived here and that you worked here and I just figured I’d come and see you even though I know it’s been years but—“

“What are you doing later tonight?” Jaebum interrupts, gaze still fixated on him unlike Youngjae’s own, who was struggling to maintain the eye contact and found the floorboards far easier to look at. The question the other asks throws him off so much that he answers it honestly without thinking first.

“Nothing.”

Jaebum smiles at him then, seeming happy and Youngjae can’t help but wonder why it’s just him that feels like he’s going to collapse at any moment.

“Come back here around seven. Some friends of mine are having a bonfire at a beach in one of the coves. You can come with me?”

Now parties at the lake were not Youngjae’s thing and never had been. He avoided them like the plague, finding them more troublesome than enjoyable, especially with people he wasn’t close with. If it had been anyone else, he would’ve said no. It wouldn’t have even been a question to consider in his mind. No, he didn’t want to force himself around people he wasn’t comfortable with and pretend like he enjoyed their drunk stupidity. He didn’t want to act like he was having fun. He didn’t want to play pretend at all.

But it had been Jaebum who asked, that boyish smile on his face much like the one Youngjae can recall seeing when they were younger, charming him more than he'd like to admit.

So, of course, he agrees to go.

 

*

 

_"What if I drown?" Youngjae asks in a high voice, staring into the water in front of him with wide eyes. His body refuses to move, keeping him stationed on the dock._

_"I'm not going to let you drown."_

_His gaze flickers to Jaebum who is waiting in the water, staring up at him with a smile on his face. Youngjae would complain about the other finding enjoyment in his fear, but his anxiety was outweighing his need to nag at the moment, so he lets it go._

_"What if you drown and then can't save me, so I still drown and then we're both dead!” he says hurriedly, ignoring the hitch in his breath._

_"Youngjae, c'mon. It's not going to be that bad."_

_"You don't know that!"_

_Maybe he's being a tad overdramatic. Youngjae feels as though his emotions are justified at the moment, though. He had never been the best swimmer and growing up in the city had meant that his parents had no real reason to try and teach him how to swim. They both worked full-time, and it had never become much of an issue until they decided to enjoy the lake during their summers and Youngjae's life was suddenly in danger anytime he attempted to jump into the lake. Which, of course, was not often and had only happened one time. His dad had been quick to jump in after him and pull him up. It had been enough of a traumatic experience for him that he had been avoiding any form of swimming since, but today, Jaebum seemed determined to change this._

_"You know that I'm a really good swimmer. I swim here all the time and it's not deep. See?" Jaebum wades forward, moving closer towards the edge where the dock was and then standing enough that his head stayed above the water. "I can touch right here. I won't take you any farther than that if you don't want to."_

_Youngjae swallows nervously, ignoring how his body trembled._

_Honestly he would have been perfectly content never learning how to swim, but Jaebum had a point when he confronted him earlier before all of this. It was dumb to live so close to a lake and not even know how to swim. He felt dumb, as well. He'd been coming to his family's lake house for three years now and still didn't know how to do it._

_"If I die I'm going to haunt you for the rest of your life." Youngjae says with a shaky breath, and Jaebum just laughs before swimming over to him and offering him his hand._

_"It'll be fine."_

_Youngjae frowns, giving him a critical look._

_"I promise." Jaebum adds, returning his look with an encouraging one._

_It takes a second or so for Youngjae to muster up his courage but he eventually reaches out and lets Jaebum pull him into the water. His body tenses immediately when he's fully in, legs kicking awkwardly as he tries to keep his head above the water._

_"Here, grab my shoulders—" Jaebum suggests and Youngjae's arms quickly reach out to grab them, pulling them closer together and clinging to him tighter than needed. Jaebum laughs again, arms coming up to hold him. "I said hold my shoulders, not cling to me like a koala!"_

_"I can't touch!" Youngjae complains, ignoring how his face flushes._

_"Just relax and get a good feel of the water first," Jaebum says, bringing his hands up to pull him away but letting Youngjae's hands stay on his shoulders for support. "Just get used to it and let me know when you're ready."_

_It's only takes a minute or so for Youngjae to feel the embarrassment. His legs are still kicking awkwardly, unable to touch the ground since Jaebum took them the few feet away from where the water wasn't as deep. His grip only tightened the more he struggled to stay above the water, sputtering when some of it gets into his mouth. His face is red from both the humiliation and exertion he's putting into it all, and Youngjae's not sure what part of him made him think it was smart, but after another minute he tells Jaebum that he's ready even when he's not._

_He's doesn't know what he expected, but it wasn't Jaebum letting him go and moving away from him completely until there's a good ten feet between them._

_"Swim to me," he encourages, watching carefully as Youngjae struggles without the support. His breathing is heavy, chest tightening as the fear and anxiety begins to spike. "I-I can't—" he says, trying his best to stay calm but his composure is dissipating with every second that ticks by._

_"It'll be okay. I'm not far. Just move your arms out in front of you and then push them back. Let the water move you towards me."_

_It looks easier than it is. Whatever it is that Jaebum does, Youngjae doesn't know how to do it, and the second he attempts to swim forward he goes straight under. He's only under for a few seconds before Jaebum's hands are grabbing at his arms and pulling him back up. Youngjae coughs up some of the water he had accidentally swallowed, hands coming back up to hold onto the other._

_"Let's try it again." Jaebum says in a calm voice, waiting for him to collect himself._

_It takes a bit but Youngjae eventually crosses the short distance, heart thundering in his chest as Jaebum grins at him._

_"You did it!" he exclaims, and Youngjae gives a weak smile in between the heavy breaths he's still taking._

_"Let's try a little bit more!"_

_Jaebum backs away from him before Youngjae can protest, body immediately trying to mimic the moves he had gotten it to somehow do just moments ago, borderline desperate to get back to Jaebum. The dock is too far now and he can feel his arms and legs burning and getting tired, his movements becoming sluggish._

_"J-Jaebum— I don't know if I can—" he starts before letting out a sudden gasp of pain, one of muscles in his calf twisting and making him jerk back. His arms reach out for Jaebum right before he goes under, seeing Jaebum's eyes widen at the realization that something is wrong._

_And then within seconds, everything becomes one big hectic blur._

 

*

 

There were moments, occasionally, in Youngjae's life where he felt it was necessary to question his own stupidity.

This was beginning to feel like one of those moments.

Why was he here right now? What was he doing? What had he been thinking? What part of his mind thought that this was a good idea or even something he would enjoy in the slightest?

Regret begins to build up as Youngjae stands awkwardly by the fuel station shop, leaned back against the old wood and staring out at the lake as the sun slowly begins to set over it. The sight is gorgeous, one that he hadn’t realized he had missed so much, but the enjoyment of it has been dulled as he waits for Jaebum to appear. He hadn’t been here when Youngjae came back, five minutes before seven just to be safe, and now fifteen minutes had passed and the other was still nowhere to be found.

Youngjae hugs the hoodie he’s in tighter around him, trying to ignore the thoughts creeping into his mind that tell him Jaebum isn’t going to show up—and it’s not like he had any sort of obligation to do so, anyway. Sure, Jaebum seemed kind and friendly and maybe even excited to see him earlier but that doesn’t mean anything. It could've just been for show so that it wouldn't be awkward between them.

Youngjae is doing his absolute best to not listen to his self doubt while another five minutes pass, and it's the sound of running feet hitting the dock’s steps a few feet away from where he's waiting that finally alert him to someone coming his way.

“I'm here! Shit— Sorry I'm so late!” Jaebum’s winded voice sounds and Youngjae turns to watch as the other jogs up to him, looking flushed and out of breath. Youngjae blinks in surprise at his appearance.

“Were... you running?” he asks unthinkingly, staring when Jaebum begins to look a little embarrassed.

“Y-Yeah. I mean, I was already running behind and I didn’t want to leave you waiting for any longer than you had been. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Youngjae finds himself forgiving quickly, feeling relieved when his negative train of thoughts disappear somewhere in the depths of his mind for now.

“Are you ready to go?” Jaebum asks, fishing his hand into his back pocket to pull out keys and Youngjae’s eyes focus on them questioningly.

“Yeah,” he mumbles back, still staring. “What are you doing with those?”

“They’re for the boat.” Jaebum answers. Youngjae looks at him owlishly.

“Boat?” he repeats, not quite understanding and Jaebum seems to realize that. He grins and brings the keys up to give them a jingle.

“Yeah. The boat. We have to get to the beach somehow, don’t we? What’d you think we were gonna do? Swim there?”

Youngjae flushes, feeling dumb now at how obvious that should have been but somehow, he had missed it. “No,” he responds back. “I can't swim that well, anyway.”

“Still?”

That makes Youngjae finally look back to Jaebum now in surprise. “You actually remember that?”

“Of course I do,” Jaebum chuckles, giving him a funny look. “I remember trying to teach you to swim once too and you nearly drowning both of us.”

Youngjae is suddenly beyond grateful for the setting sun, because the warm colors it was spilling over them right now was really helping hide the deep blush that blotches his cheeks at the memory he hadn’t been expecting to be brought up. “I got a cramp in my leg." Youngjae says in his defense, the excuse feeling familiar. "You were the closest thing to me that I could hold onto!”

“I know, I know. I’m just teasing you,” Jaebum says with another grin before motioning for them to head towards the dock.

He follows a couple steps behind him, peering around the familiar roofed-in dock that they're walking under now, remembering all the times he had spent underneath it with the boy just a few few away from him. It's strange how nothing had changed at all with this place. Youngjae wasn’t sure why he thought six years would make such a difference, but it was still a little alarming to come back to this place and find it untouched.

Well, almost untouched. Some things had definitely changed.

“Here we go!” Jaebum announces as he hops into a smaller boat. It’s not luxury boat—more like one someone would take out to go fishing in, with just enough space for the both of them to sit in it comfortably. Youngjae watches from the dock as it sways back and forth while Jaebum maneuvers around it, legs refusing to move at the unease settling in the pit of his stomach. This time, though, it has nothing to do with Jaebum and everything to do with the thought of the boat capsizing on them in the middle of the lake and leaving him stuck in the water.

“It’ll be fine.” Jaebum’s voice breaks through his thoughts, and Youngjae looks over at him hesitantly, eyes falling to stare at the hand he was offering him.

“I promise.” Jaebum adds, slowly nodding his head to try and reassure him. Youngjae takes a deep breath before reaching forward and grasping the hand offered. The boat starts to sway again when he steps into it and his grip on Jaebum’s hand tightens instinctively until the swaying finally settles. It takes him a second to remember that Jaebum is still holding his hand and waiting patiently beside him, but when he does he releases his hold quickly and apologizes. Jaebum doesn’t seem bothered, simply flashing him a smile before moving to grab something stored underneath one of the seats.

The bright yellow color catches Youngjae’s attention and when he realizes what it is, he feels more embarrassed than he had before.

“Really?” Youngjae deadpans, feeling his cheeks brighten once more when Jaebum laughs.

“It’ll make you feel better and me feel better, too.”

Youngjae frowns when Jaebum offers him the life jacket, which he takes begrudgingly, unsure if he should actually put it on or not. He’s considering putting it off to the side but then Jaebum moves to undo the ropes keeping the boat tethered to the dock and makes them sway dramatically once more, and Youngjae’s body tenses.

Okay, maybe the life jacket wasn’t that bad of an idea.

Perhaps not, but he definitely felt pretty dumb when he finally strapped himself into it, clicking in the last buckle and then trying to lay his arms at his sides only to have them awkwardly hover a few centimeters up because of how bulky the life jacket was.

Jaebum’s chuckle doesn’t go unnoticed, and Youngjae turns his head quickly to shoot the other a glare, slowly lowering himself down onto the seat and clinging to the edge of it when the boat begins to drift away from the dock.

“Don’t laugh at me,” he mumbles out.

“You look cute.” Jaebum says lightly, seemingly unbothered by his words but Youngjae feels himself flush for the tenth time in the last few minutes and decides to look away and direct his attention out towards the water rather then grace the other with a response.

He also pretends to not notice the smile on Jaebum's face.

The motor revs up after a couple minutes of drifting, and Youngjae clings to the bottom of his seat even tighter when Jaebum sits and begins to steer the boat, gaining more and more speed until the chilly wind is whipping at Youngjae’s face and making his eyes squint, hair tousling wildly with it. He lowers his head to protect his eyes.

It takes a minute or so but eventually Youngjae feels his grip relax, finding his breath again and turning his head away from the direction the wind was. It brings his gaze back onto the old dock that’s getting smaller and smaller the more they drive away from it, until all he can see is the sunset and the shadowed silhouette of it in the distance.

Youngjae’s still scared, the adrenaline coursing through him keeping him on edge, but he can appreciate the view more now.

They don’t talk while on the boat.

Partially because the motor is so loud that it would be difficult to converse with one another anyway, but also because it didn’t feel necessary.

There’s a little voice somewhere in the back of Youngjae’s head that makes him wonder if he should be more cautious with what’s happening right now. It makes him wonder if he made the right decision when he said yes to this—to going to a party with Jaebum after only reconnecting just earlier this morning. It makes him wonder if this was a normal situation for someone to find themselves in. It all feels a bit fast paced and honestly, maybe bordering on the line of foolish, as well.

Youngjae doesn’t feel afraid of Jaebum, though. Even now. Even with six years of unknown between them. He feels comfortable, oddly enough.

Comfortable enough to step out of his comfort zone.

But wasn’t that how their friendship had always been like while growing up? Jaebum had always encouraged him to do the things he was unsure about whenever they spent their summers together. The memory mentioned earlier of him teaching him how to swim comes back to mind. This was a feeling that he had always gotten when around the older boy.

Maybe it had been six years, but Jaebum still managed to feel familiar to him, despite it all.

Youngjae thankfully doesn’t feel like he has to talk to Jaebum, even when they find the cove and pull up to the beach line that a group of people around their age are all gathered, laughing and dancing around to the music playing from one of the boats. There are coolers gathered in a long row that are full of alcohol, towels and chairs scattered around, and one large bonfire being fed in the center of it all.

He doesn’t move until Jaebum gets the boat onto the shore, feeling unsure if he should step out and help him but by the time he considers it Jaebum is done and motioning for him to follow. Youngjae nearly forgets to take the life jacket off but hurriedly catches himself and sheds it before awkwardly climbing out and trying to ignore the way his body feels now that he’s back on land.

He notices a few familiar faces—the ones from earlier this morning. Everyone seems to turn and greet Jaebum happily, striking up conversation as he strolls through. Youngjae continues to follow behind, feeling the nerves spike up again when he realizes just how out of his element he is.

“Want something to drink?” Jaebum asks, turning towards him. Youngjae gives a nod despite not being the biggest drinker. Maybe tonight it would help.

He watches as Jaebum opens one of the coolers and pulls out two beers, handing one to him which he takes and clings to.

“I was wondering when you’d get here, dude!” a voice suddenly announces and Youngjae’s brow raises as an arm swings around Jaebum’s shoulders and yanks him to the side, a small protest coming from him at the action. It’s one of the guys from this morning, as well. He’s a bit on the shorter side with brown hair that’s tousled and still wet. Youngjae guesses he had been in the water not that long ago.

“Are you trying to dislocate my neck from my spine, Jackson?” Jaebum gruffs out, the difference of tone surprising Youngjae but making him grin.

“Who’s this?” Jackson asks, bright eyes looking at Youngjae curiously.

“This is Youngjae. He’s an old friend of mine who’s here for the summer.” Jaebum explains with ease, seeming less annoyed now.

“Nice to meet you!” Jackson says, putting a hand out and Youngjae mumbles a quick “you too” and shakes it, not wanting to be rude.

“I’m Jackson and these are my friends. Along with a few random people we met earlier today while out on the boat. Feel free to party it up, okay? We’re all here to have a good time! What’s mine is yours and when I say mine I mean all the alcohol.”

Youngjae catches Jaebum’s gaze and smiles when the other rolls his eyes. “Yeah, sure. Thanks a lot,” he says, humoring the other who seems more than happy to have him there. It helps ease away some of his nerves.

“No, seriously, please drink it. There’s so much.” Jackson continues, making a face before releasing his hold on Jaebum.

“We’re not here to get shit-faced, Jackson.” Jaebum says and Jackson makes a sound of indifference.

“To each their own. As long as you’re here I am satisfied.”

" _For now._ " Jaebum adds on, smirking when Jackson makes a scandalized sound and dramatically walks off to move onto the next group of people nearby.

"He seems nice," Youngjae says casually, still smiling when Jaebum laughs.

"He is nice. Really nice, actually. Sometimes too nice."

Jaebum moves and Youngjae naturally falls alongside him once more, following him as they go around the bonfire.

"We met about four years ago and ever since he's gone out of his way to hang out with me every time he's here. His family is super rich and owns a big house and a bunch of boats—there's a helicopter too."

Youngjae stops and gives Jaebum an incredulous look. "A helicopter?" he repeats.

"Yeah, I know. You'll probably see it at some point. They have a landing pad and everything that you can see from the lake. It's all a pretty big show."

"Does he fly it himself?" Youngjae asks, sitting next to the other when he takes a seat on one of the unclaimed towels that lays about fifteen feet away from the fire. 

"He does. I refuse to go in it with him, though."

They both smile at each other and Youngjae shakes his head, taking a sip of his beer and then glancing around at their surroundings, still feeling a bit out of place.

"So..." Jaebum slowly starts after taking a swig of his own drink, letting out a refreshed sound before setting the bottle to the side and looking at him intently. "How have you been?"

Youngjae snorts in amusement at the question, narrowing his eyes at Jaebum who puts his hands up in defense. "What? That's a normal question to ask someone!"

"I know, I know!" He doesn't know why he found it so oddly funny.

Maybe it had to do with the sequence of events that led them to where they were now. Youngjae feels like maybe the way they were dealing with this was flipped, like the order that most would follow was mixed for them.

"It just feels a little late for the 'how have you been' question." Youngjae tries to explain, but it's hard to find the right words to describe his thoughts. Jaebum hums in amusement though, smiling at him.

"It's never too late for the 'how have you been' actually. At least not for me." he shrugs. "Plus, I do want to know."

Youngjae brings his beer to his lips when he feels his hands want to fidget, the strange rush in his chest leaving him with a weird giddiness that he doesn't know what to do with. Taking a slow drink, he thinks about his response and is thankful that Jaebum waits quietly next to him, seeming unbothered by his lack of an immediate response.

"I've been alright," Youngjae starts, lips pressing together. It wasn't the complete truth, but it was still true.

"Is alright a good thing?" Jaebum questions.

"Yes?" he replies, mirroring Jaebum's own tone and making him smile more.

"You're not sure?"

He lets out a dramatic sigh, taking advantage of the action to allow himself a moment to breathe as well. "I mean I feel like my life is just about as average as anyone else. I'm in college right now and I'm on my summer vacation trying to relax before I have to go back. That's really about it for me right now."

"What are you studying?" Jaebum's interest piques more when Youngjae mentions college, and he almost wishes that he hadn't now.

"I'm still undecided," he admits, looking down sheepishly.

"There's nothing wrong with that," Jaebum assures him and Youngjae thinks he should find comfort in it but it only makes him feel more embarrassed.

"My academic counselor would say otherwise," he comments with a breathy laugh before shrugging his shoulders. "I just don't really know what I want to do yet. And the more people try to get me to make a decision the more I seem to struggle."

"You'll figure it out eventually."

"Thanks," Youngjae sighs before taking another drink. He gazes over at Jaebum through his peripherals, watching him before speaking up once more. "What about you?"

Jaebum raises his brow, blinking at him before motioning to the air around them.

"I'm still here."

"Yeah, I've noticed." Youngjae lets the  _'Why?'_  that had wanted to follow die before it can be spoken, feeling unsure if it would be alright to ask. Something flickers in Jaebum's eyes though and somehow, Youngjae thinks that the other still heard it.

"I like it here," he starts, smiling as he looks out towards the scenery spread before them. "I've always liked it here. My parents don't mind me living with them and I help out where they need it. Like with the shop. I like being where I'm needed. I like being able to help them."

Youngjae listens and nods his head in understanding, chewing on the inside of his lip before deciding to just throw his caution to the wind and say what he's wanting to say. "Are you happy here, though? This place hasn't changed at all—or at least for me, it hasn't. It doesn't get boring ever? Or repetitive?"

Jaebum looks at him for a moment before making a thoughtful face. "Isn't life in general just a constant repetitive cycle in itself, though?"

"I mean—I guess so."

The other hums, shifting to lean back on his elbows and stretching his legs out, kicking his sandals off and digging his feet into the sand. "I'm doing alright," Jaebum says after a minute of silence, repeating Youngjae's own choice of wording from before and it doesn't go unnoticed. It makes him feel uneasy. Makes him wonder if Jaebum's idea of alright aligned with his own. If it meant he was just as miserable as Youngjae was when he lied and told people he was doing alright.

He doesn’t get to ask. He doesn’t get to continue the conversation at all, actually, because Jaebum then reaches into his front pocket and pulls out a small disposable camera. Youngjae stares at it blankly, watching as he brings it up to his eye and directs it towards the fire in front of them, letting the silence linger until the quick snapping of the picture being taken, a bright flash following it, breaks it. Jaebum pulls the camera away with a smile.

“I didn’t even know people used those things anymore.” Youngjae comments, nodding towards it. It’s black and green, and also looks kinda familiar, but he thinks that has more to do with him having seen it in stores so many times rather than it actually meaning something.

“Why, because it’s disposable?” Jaebum questions with a laugh. Youngjae shrugs his shoulders.

“Yeah, kinda. Most people prefer digital cameras nowadays. That way they can see the pictures instantly and know if they're good or not and all that.”

“Maybe if you’re a professional or you’re concerned about how the picture looks, yeah, but I don’t really care about all of that stuff.”

Youngjae tilts his head to the side, giving Jaebum a teasing smile. “You’re about to get sentimental on me, aren’t you?”

“There’s nothing wrong with being sentimental.” Jaebum says, playfully narrowing his eyes.

“I know. I never said that, either.” Youngjae answers, before giving the other a silent motion to continue. The smile on Jaebum’s face stays but falls into a gentler line, attention turning back towards the disposable camera in his hand.

“I guess I just like how candid they are. I had to do a project for a photography class I was taking once and they made us use disposable cameras like this. After I was done with it I discovered that I kind of liked not knowing what the pictures were going to look like. It made it more exciting to me and it feels more real. So I’ve just kept doing it since then.”

Youngjae nods his head in understanding, making a thoughtful face. “I think that’s pretty cool, actually.”

“You do?” Jaebum asks, quirking a brow.

“Yeah.”

“Not too sentimental for you?”

The smile on Youngjae’s face returns as he rolls his eyes. “It’s actually just the right amount of sentimental for me,” he clarifies before reaching for the camera himself and happily taking it when Jaebum meets him half way to allow him to have it. 

He peers around to take in their surroundings for a moment before looking back down to the camera. Thumb finding the little wheel, he winds it to the right until it stops, preparing the next film. Double checking to make sure the flash is on, Youngjae brings the camera to his eye and peeks through the viewfinder before taking a picture.

To be honest, he’s not entirely sure what the picture even was of. He had aimed it towards the darker section of the beach that the light from the fire wasn’t touching, unsure what the flash would show. But he guessed that would just remain a mystery until Jaebum got the films processed later on.

“You’ll have to let me know how that one turns out,” Youngjae says with a laugh. Jaebum looks amused, watching him quietly and taking the camera when Youngjae hands it back over to him.

“I’ll let you see for yourself. This camera is almost out of films, anyway.”

“And you just buy another one after that?”

“Yeah.”

“How many of those things have you used?”

Jaebum makes a face while winding the wheel to prepare the next picture, looking off towards the bonfire. “I couldn’t even tell you, to be honest. A lot of them.”

“Over a hundred?”

“Probably. Yeah.”

“And you keep all the pictures that you take?”

“For the most part.”

There must’ve been a funny look on Youngjae’s face, although he’s not sure himself what it looks like. Probably a mix of emotions that are catching him off guard. He’s both impressed and baffled—the thought of someone going through that many cameras is shocking, but the reasoning behind it definitely leaves Youngjae feeling more impressed than anything else. Suddenly, there’s flash and it blinds him for a second, his hand coming up to rub at his eyes as he makes a noise of complaint.

“Sorry about that.” Jaebum says with a chuckle, sounding embarrassed.

“A warning would’ve been nice.” Youngjae says, moving his hand away and blinking rapidly, trying to make the black dots swarming his vision go away.

“Yeah, I know—the look on your face was good though. I didn’t want to ruin it. Sorry again.”

Youngjae stares until Jaebum’s face becomes clearer and clearer, their eyes meeting once Youngjae can fully see again and his irritation (which hadn’t really been there in the first place) fades away when he sees the slight flush on the other’s cheeks. He’s reminded of their moment earlier this morning in the shop, the odd tension that had spread itself thin around them as they both took one another in, and Youngjae thinks he can feel a bit of that now, too.

“I guess you’ll have to let me know how that one turns out too then.” He says after the silence stretches too long and makes him want to fidget. Jaebum gives him a smile and nods. They both turn away and look back towards the bonfire and just like that, the rest of the night becomes a blur.

Youngjae can’t remember much, despite not being that drunk. He knows he met more of Jaebum’s friends and got comfortable enough to actually converse with some of them. There was a lot of talking, a lot of Jaebum smiling, and lot of flashes from a small, black and green single-use camera. He remembers smiling a lot, too. It all melts into one memory as a whole until Youngjae is clinging to his bright yellow life jacket once more, curling the blanket around him that Jaebum had found underneath the seat and using it to keep himself warm as they made their way back towards the dock.

His teeth are chattering by the time they finally make it back, legs shaking slightly from both the chill of the air and the swaying of the boat. Jaebum is quick to help him out, hands holding onto his arms and keeping him steady.

“I swear I didn’t d-drink that much,” Youngjae says with a breathy laugh, feeling embarrassed at having to be helped. Jaebum just grins at him. “I know. It’s fine. You just wanted me to hold you. I get it.”

Youngjae lets out an incredulous sound but the smile on his face spreads faster than he knows how to process, cheeks burning despite the laughter spilling from him. “Oh, yeah, sure! That's totally it!” he drawls as he goes with it, pushing Jaebum away from him and ignoring how the hands still around his arms seem to tighten just the slightest at the action.

“I knew you missed me as much as I missed you this whole time.” Jaebum continues playfully and Youngjae feels a rush of affection bubble up, the smile on the other’s face making him fluster further.

“Did you? Or is that just what you secretly wanted all along?” Youngjae says back with a raise of his brow, the challenge in his tone matching Jaebum’s own playful one.

“I did.”

The confession on Jaebum’s part makes Youngjae pause in surprise, unable to hide his reaction. Maybe he hadn’t been expecting Jaebum to actually answer him truthfully.

Or maybe he just hadn’t been expecting Jaebum to actually miss him, either.

“You missed me?” Youngjae asks in a quiet voice.

Everything is quiet around them but so loud at the same time. Youngjae is suddenly aware of the water and the crickets chirping loudly in the background. Of all the sounds that the night brought with it. Something about it makes him sway as if there is a boat still under his feet trying to make him lose his balance. He’s not drunk but he feels a little delirious right now. A little dizzy.

“Yeah. I did. I missed you a lot.”

Youngjae feels something, right then, that he hadn’t been expecting.

He feels sadness.

A strong, overwhelming wave of sadness that washes over him and fills him until his throat tightens around this grief and shame that he couldn’t even try to swallow down. It was too much to suddenly be hit with and he can feel his cheeks heating up more but this time with embarrassment, his smile falling as if that wave had wiped it out itself.

Words fill his head but he doesn’t know what to say.

Because up until yesterday Youngjae had forgotten about his summers spent with Jaebum.

He had forgotten all about the memories the two of them had built together. About how he would spend nearly every single day with Jaebum, to the point where their parents had to begin making plans with one another just to get any time with their children themselves. Their friendship had been important to Youngjae back when he was fifteen—

But then his world turned on its axis and he made himself forget.

He had erased any memory of happiness that involved him and his family and his mother and his father and anything that had felt fake and not real to him anymore because they  _hurt_  and he had forgotten about all of this.

Youngjae had forgotten about Jaebum.

“Why are you crying?” Jaebum’s voice crashes through the wall of realization that had been breaking down around him slowly, the rubbles of it all falling away from him and leaving him feeling more vulnerable than he knew how to handle. Youngjae’s hand comes up to press against his cheeks, inhaling shakily when he feels the wetness there.

“Youngjae?”

He can’t see the other behind the tears currently blurring his vision and Youngjae doesn’t know what to do. He’s crying and he feels guilty. He feels so, so, so guilty because he had forgotten all about Jaebum and Jaebum had never forgotten about him.

Jaebum had missed him.

A lot.

“I’m so sorry,” Youngjae gasps out, head spinning and he’s now thankful for the second time tonight that Jaebum hadn’t let go of him yet. The steady press of his hands against his arms is keeping him present—keeping him here instead of allowing him to fall into this sudden storm of repressed emotions.

“Why are you sorry?” Jaebum asks, somehow remaining collected despite not knowing why Youngjae was reacting the way that he was.

“I forgot—” Youngjae says, feeling his throat constrict and cut him off, refusing to let him say anymore than that. He doesn’t know if it even makes sense, but when he blinks away the tears and can finally see Jaebum’s face in front of him again, there is a small piece of him that thinks that maybe he understood.

Jaebum doesn’t look angry or upset with him. The lines in his forehead show concern and his eyes are soft.

Youngjae wants to explain himself. He wants to tell Jaebum why he had forgotten and everything that had happened that led them to where they were right now. He wanted to open up about everything for the first time in six years but the words refused to come, his mouth working against him.

“Let’s get you home,” Jaebum finally says, giving Youngjae a nod of assurance that he shakily returns.

And where the party passed by so quickly it became one single memory in his mind, the walk back to his house felt like an eternity that he would never forget.

Jaebum didn’t bother to say anything to him and even if he had tried, Youngjae wasn’t entirely sure he would’ve been able to hold an actual conversation with him anyway, so he was thankful for the silence. It allowed him enough time to calm down and breathe again. To let his mind clear and come back to him. To allow the emotions that had been tearing him up from the inside to nestle away into every nook and cranny of his body, laying dormant until the time for them to return roused them from their sleep.

Youngjae takes the three steps up the front porch slowly, blinking at the porch lights that are still on and wondering for a moment if his dad was still awake.

He hopes not. He was the last person Youngjae needed to be talking to right now.

Moving towards the front door, Youngjae is pulling the screen door open when he feels Jaebum’s hand on his arm again, the touch tentative and gentle. He turns to look back at the other, eyes wide and questioning, speaking for him since his mouth still refused to do so.

“Come see me again tomorrow.” And it doesn’t sound like a question. It doesn’t sound like a command though, either.

It sounds like the right thing to do. It sounds like it was going to be exactly what Youngjae would’ve done tomorrow anyway even if Jaebum hadn’t said those words just now.

It sounds a little bit like forgiveness, as well. A tomorrow that allowed him to make up for everything.

Youngjae nods and gives Jaebum a weak smile and he seems satisfied with that answer.

“I’ll be at the fuel station working all day. Come by anytime. Just hang out or something—my parents wont care. Especially since it’s you.”

Youngjae nods again.

“Okay. Goodnight then, Youngjae. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Jaebum gives him a special kind of smile that brings him back to their summers. It’s small, borderline cute, and somewhere in the depths of Youngjae’s mind is a sudden triggered memory of youthful laughter and Jaebum’s fourteen-year-old voice abruptly exclaiming “I’m not cute!” after Youngjae lets it slip for the first time.

Youngjae returns to reality in time to see Jaebum taking the steps down, hands slipping into the pockets of his jacket and beginning to head off into the night. Suddenly, Youngjae’s voice comes back with an urgency that feels like bile when he finally gets the words out that want to be heard before the night ends for the both of them.

“Jaebum!” his voice sounds strained and it makes his heart stutter when he hears it, Jaebum stopping and looking back at him in surprise, as though he hadn’t been expecting it either.

“Yeah?” he asks, staring at him carefully.

Youngjae takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly before finally saying the words that he felt now. He felt them despite them being long overdue.

“I missed you, too.”

Jaebum blinks, staring at him for a couple seconds longer before a slow smile quirks onto the edge of his lips, leaving Youngjae warm despite the chill still around him.

He had missed him. 

He had missed him a lot.   

 

*

 

_“I don’t wanna hurt it…”_

_“It’s just a worm. I don’t even know if they can feel things, anyway.”_

_“Why wouldn’t they be able to feel things? They’re alive, aren’t they?”_

_The two young boys are crouched over the plastic container full of dirt and staring at the worms currently burrowing within it. Youngjae has a frown on his face as he watches them, not sure if he likes the idea of using them as bait._

_“I mean… they’re like little sticks that wiggle around. They don’t even have eyes or ears or arms or legs or mouths.” Jaebum explains, but he looks unsure himself now too._

_“If they don’t have mouths then how do they eat?” Youngjae questions, ignoring the huff Jaebum gives._

_“I don’t know but I don’t see a mouth on them!”_

_“How does a worm even become a worm? How are more worms made?” Youngjae continues, pausing and looking up at Jaebum with wide eyes and the older looks at him blankly before shrugging._

_“I don’t know. They’re weird.”_

_They both look back down at the worms, the sounds of the lake raising once their conversation dwindles away. It’s nearing nine in the morning and since it’s so early, majority of their small town is quiet at the moment. A boat has come by every so often to fuel up, but other than that, it’s just been the two of them hanging out on the dock for the last few hours._

_Jaebum’s dad had appeared at one point with two fishing pools and their bait, mentioning something about Jaebum teaching Youngjae how to fish to pass some time and that’s what led them to where they were now._

_“Have you ever caught one?”_

_“What? A worm?” Jaebum looks confused. Youngjae giggles a little and shakes his head, “No!” he exclaims. “A fish!”_

_“Oh. I mean, yeah! When I’ve gone fishing with my dad I’ve caught a lot. He’s awesome at fishing though. I’ve never done it on my own.”_

_Youngjae stares at the older boy for a moment, watching him carefully and noticing how he seems hesitant with the idea. Jaebum is nine years old, about two years older than Youngjae, and usually took on the role of teaching him things pretty easily. This was one of the few times Youngjae has seen him actually look nervous about something. A need to reassure his friend rushes through him right then, his dismay over using the worms as bait now forgotten about._

_“That’s so cool that you’ve caught so many fish!” Youngjae states, smiling when Jaebum looks over at him in surprise._

_“It is…?”_

_“Yeah! I’ve never gone fishing before. My dad and mom aren’t big on it anyway and it’s not like we have lakes and stuff in the city we can just go fishing in, you know?”_

_Jaebum nods his head in agreement, cheeks flushing as he looks over at the fishing rods laying near them. “I bet you could catch a fish today!” the older boy says, seeming more confident now._

_“Will you help me?” Youngjae asks, looking up at him hopefully. Jaebum gives him a smile and nods._

 

*

 

Tomorrow happened.

And then, the day after tomorrow happened after that.

Youngjae doesn’t entirely know how to handle time right now. Some days it feels like everything is moving too quickly for him, to the point where he wants to dig his heels into the very earth beneath them in hopes that it’ll put a brake on everything before it gets too far ahead of him and he crashes. And then some days it feels like every second drags on for a minute, and every minute feels like an hour, and he’s not sure whether he enjoys it or he despises it.

It’s been two weeks since his summer vacation started at his old family lake house, and he’s spent every single day with Jaebum.

Falling into their old pattern, even after six years of no communication, came much easier than Youngjae had thought it would’ve. Plus, it wasn’t like there was much more for him to be doing around the small town anyway.

Not that, if given the choice, he’d even want to spend his time away from Jaebum’s presence. In fact he had been more than enjoying getting to know his old friend again. They fell into one another with the same ease that had been there when they first met as children, with Jaebum’s calm demeanor and Youngjae’s eagerness to just simply hang out with him—it almost felt like those six years hadn’t even existed.

Almost.

Of course there was always those moments that shattered the false sense of serenity that Youngjae was letting himself embrace, bringing him back to the harsh reality that was the empty slot of time that neither of them had bothered to talk much about.

Or he hadn’t bothered to talk much about. Jaebum had mentioned dropping out of community college and seeming fine with where he was now, but any time he attempted to ask about Youngjae or his family, Youngjae found himself quickly deflecting and managing to avoid having to give him an answer.

He was afraid to answer it, honestly.

He didn’t want to ruin this.

How Youngjae would ruin their friendship he’s not entirely sure, but the dread still lay in the pit of his stomach every time he thought about telling Jaebum everything. The thoughts that he wouldn’t think it was that big of a deal, that he would think Youngjae was being overdramatic about it all, that he would think it was just an average thing he should get over. Those were the thoughts that kept his lips sealed shut. His pain was his pain, and just the thought of it being laughed at made Youngjae internalize everything even further.

It made things tense sometimes.

But when they weren’t tiptoeing around that tension that Youngjae was allowing to linger and fester: They had fun.

Youngjae got to spend a bit more time with Jaebum’s friends just by hanging out at the fueling station with him. Jackson came by like clockwork daily, and his friends Mark, Yugyeom, and Bambam seemed to always be there with him as well. Jaebum also had his best friend, Jinyoung, come into the shop to bother him from time to time.

Youngjae remembered Jinyoung being mentioned a lot even when they were kids but never actually seeing him. Jaebum had always said something about Jinyoung spending his summers traveling with his family. So Youngjae hadn’t ever actually had the chance to meet him until now, seeing as the family vacations for him had stopped.

They were all nice, and after two weeks of being able to get readjusted to everything, Youngjae was beginning to actually enjoy himself for the first time in a long time.

Which meant, of course, he was due for another reality check.

Youngjae’s gaze looks at his phone when it dings, screen lighting up to show the message that he had just received. Jaebum’s name is at the top of the message and a smile finds his face instantly, snatching the phone up and unlocking it to read what it says.

He had been at the shop all morning with the other and after complaining about needing a nap for longer than necessary, Youngjae had finally left to do just that. Jaebum had tried to convince him that some of the boats tied to the dock had beds in them that were more than comfortable to sleep in, but Youngjae had vehemently declined the offer, saying that he’d prefer his sleep not make him sick at the same time.

Jaebum’s message was him asking if he was awake yet, and Youngjae peers at the time to note that a few hours had passed. He types a response back, letting Jaebum know that he was, indeed, awake now and then he rubs at his eyes to erase any marks of sleep that could have been lingering. His phone dings just a minute later with a message from Jaebum asking him to come back. It makes him smile again.

It’s not like the other really had to beg though. Youngjae had planned on going back that way after waking up, anyway.

He freshens himself up and brushes his teeth to get rid of the taste in his mouth, slipping on his shoes and grabbing his charger again and he’s halfway out the door when a voice calls out his name and Youngjae stumbles in surprise at it, suddenly remembering that his dad had been home the entire time despite the two of them not seeing one another.

Youngjae lingers by the door, unsure of if he should wait or not but his legs refuse to move. He stands there and waits as he hears his father coming down the stairs, and stares at him when he turns the corner and finally enters his line of vision.

“Where are you off to?” he asks, brow raising curiously.

“I’m just going back down to the docks. Jaebum’s waiting for me.” Youngjae answers.

His father gives him a nod in understanding, pausing and looking like he wants to say more but Youngjae can see how clearly he’s holding back what’s on his mind. Something about it irks Youngjae right then, a frown tugging down the corners of his mouth. “Is there something you needed?” Youngjae asks, holding back a sigh.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Jaebum the past few weeks—“ his father starts and Youngjae feels the need to defend himself immediately, unsure of how to take the odd tone that his father is speaking to him in.

“You’re the one who told me to reconnect with him.” The words slip out with his heated breath, cutting his father off before he can continue and Youngjae tries not to flinch when he sees how the other abruptly stops and begins to stumble over his words.

“I-I know that, and please, don’t think that I’m mad about it. I’ve just barely seen you, bud.”

The annoyance trickling through him only spikes at the affectionate name tacked onto the end of that sentence, stomach feeling uneasy with the mix of grief and guilt and anger beginning to bubble up in it.

“I’m here every morning and I’m here every night.” Youngjae starts, but his father shakes his head and puts his hands up.

“You are, but only for a minute or so, and then you’re gone again.”

“I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m literally just hanging out with Jaebum, dad. You know who he is. We’re always at the dock so it’s not like you don’t know where I’m at.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about—“

“Then what is it?!” Youngjae snaps, fingers tightening on the doorknob that he’s holding onto. He hadn’t meant to raise his voice like that but he wasn’t ready for any of this. He could barely handle being around his father for longer than an hour, and knowing that he wanted to sit and take a large amount of time from his life only added onto the distressing thoughts plaguing him about this entire summer trip decision.

Youngjae’s gaze falls away from his father’s after the silence bears heavily over them, the surprised and hurt expression on his face making Youngjae’s heart clench.

_It doesn’t matter if he’s hurt. You’ve been hurt too. You’ve been hurt so badly._

“I just—“ his father starts before sighing and running a hand through his hair. “I just want to spend some time with you, Youngjae.”

The clenching around his heart seems to tighten, Youngjae’s eyes burning as he stares hard into the wooden floorboards. His jaw hurts from how hard he’s clenching his teeth now, trying to bite back the sharp words that want to be thrown at his father—trying to not hurt him anymore than he’s already done in the past few minutes.

“That’s all.” His father finishes, hands dropping to his sides in defeat. Youngjae’s jaw clenches harder before he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, pulling himself back together for the sake of both of them.

“Alright,” he says in a tight, low voice. “We’ll hang out, okay? Just—just not right now, dad. Please. Jaebum’s waiting for me.”

“It’s fine. Go see Jaebum, then—and just let me know when you’re free.”

Youngjae swallows the thick feeling that’s in his throat, lifting his gaze in time to watch his father turn around and head back towards the stairs, ending their conversation and leaving Youngjae feeling drained all over again.

“So much for my nap,” he mumbles to himself before finally leaving.

He tries to school his expression before he gets back to the shop, doing his best to calm down and push aside the brewing emotions that flared up. Youngjae thinks he's probably in the clear just as he's walking through the shop’s door, giving Jaebum a smile when the other looks up at him.

"What's wrong?" Jaebum asks.

It throws Youngjae off and makes his cheeks flush. "Nothing," he answers quickly, brushing off the look that Jaebum gives him and moving to the other side of the counter, finding the plug-in for his phone charger and hooking it back up.

"Are you sure?" the other continues, voice careful.

Youngjae sighs, "Yeah. I'm sure. My dad just kinda annoyed me but it's fine now." he reassures, looking back to him again and giving him a more confident smile. 

"You know you can talk to me about whatever it is, right?" Jaebum says sincerely. Youngjae feels a twist in his gut that feels annoyed but also touched at the offer, despite having already figured Jaebum would be like that any way. Talking about his dad just put him on an edge that he didn't like fighting to keep from slipping off. Especially now, because Youngjae was sure he would slip if he moved too quickly. "Thanks," he mumbles out, "I'll tell you when I'm ready to, okay?"

"Okay. I'm holding you to that, as well." Jaebum says with a pointed look that makes Youngjae laugh and roll his eyes.

"Whatever you say."

 

*

 

“What exactly does Jackson’s family do?” Youngjae asks as he stares wide-eyed at the large yacht they had just walked on to. Jaebum chuckles next to him.

“I don’t know the full story, but I think his father trains Olympians or something like that—I haven’t really bothered to sit down and ask him yet.”

“Well this is… impressive.”

Impressive was probably an understatement. When Jaebum had extended an invite to him (per Jackson’s insistence, he had added) to party with them all on the fourth of July, he had expected a string of boats like he was used to seeing closer towards the party coves. Jaebum had driven them down a private road, though, and this portion of the lake seemed entirely empty save the large yacht they were on now.

“He’ll probably move everyone who wants to go further out onto the lake into the smaller boats, instead of bothering to move this whole thing.”

“Further onto the lake?” Youngjae questions. Jaebum nods. “Yeah, to watch the fireworks.”

“Oh.” Duh.

“It’s been awhile since you’ve seen them out here, hasn’t it?” Jaebum asked with a grin, jostling his shoulder and Youngjae smiles a little in response.

“Last I remember was watching them from the docks.”

"Yeah, I remember that too. You were with me and my family."

It takes a moment until Youngjae realizes that Jaebum was right - he had been with him and his family. The memory in his head had been faint and partially there, but the reminder given seems to allow the picture to finally fill in, Youngjae seeing a younger Jaebum slowly appear next to him as he stares up at a night sky filling with streaks of bright colors.

Jaebum gives him an expression that he can't quite read and Youngjae curses his inability to hide his expressions better.

"You don't remember that?"

"I guess I don't... I've forgotten more than I thought," Youngjae admits with a wince, guilt bubbling in his chest. He's afraid to return the gaze that he knows is settling on him but he feels the weight of it. He's felt it many times now during the span of days the two of them have been spending together. Jaebum keeps looking at him like he's waiting for something but Youngjae hasn't a single clue as to what that is and it makes him nervous; makes his heart start to accelerate in his chest. If he were to look at the other now he's sure that same expression would be on his face, as well.

"Wanna get something to drink?" Youngjae asks after a moment of stretched silence, catching Jaebum off guard and taking advantage of that by moving past him towards the bar located towards to nearest deck. He doesn't bother to look back and see if Jaebum was following him - he already knows he will.

"There you two are!" 

Youngjae looks up while he's making Jaebum and himself a drink, blinking when Jackson suddenly comes into view with a grin on his face. "My two favorite dock boys! It's about time you showed up."

"Didn't the party start only an hour ago?" Jaebum inquires with an amused glance Youngjae's way, which he returns fondly.

"And I've been waiting patiently since then. It wouldn't be a party without you!"

Youngjae laughs at that, handing Jaebum the mixed drink he threw together and then taking a sip of his own. "I wouldn't call myself much of a partier, so I'm afraid I may disappoint you tonight."

"As long as you don't fall off the boat, you won't ever have to worry about disappointing me."

"Well that’s... reassuring." Youngjae humors, before turning his attention on the two new faces coming up to them.

"Jackson, we've gotta start setting up for the fireworks." Mark says when he and Bambam are close enough, giving Youngjae and Jaebum a nod of acknowledgement. "Jinyoungie is already getting everything gathered and Bambam volunteered to help with setting off the fireworks.”

“I’m ready to make shit go boom,” Bambam grins from beside him, bringing his hands up to act out what seemed to be a firework going off. 

Mark shakes his head before continuing. “Yugyeom said he'd stay and make sure everyone got into the boats safely."

"Perfect! Yeah, okay- You guys good?" Jackson asks, practically vibrating from excitement at Mark's directions. Jaebum hums next to him and nods his head. "I think Youngjae and I can keep ourselves entertained until then."

A sly expression crosses Jackson's face as he waggles his eyebrows.

"Oh, I'm sure you two will—“

"C'mon, you idiot. Leave them alone." Mark rolls his eyes, giving the shorter boy a shove to get him moving. Jackson gives a high pitched cackle at the two blushing faces before running off.

"Heh- he's something else." Jaebum says after an awkward silence, and Youngjae inhales slowly before taking another long sip of his drink.

This was going to be a long night.

 

 

But, that was nothing a little bit of alcohol couldn't help ease away.

Youngjae hadn't drank this much in quite awhile, and although he wasn't trashed, his skin was certainly tingling from the excitement the fog of inebriation was providing him. Jaebum was right alongside with him, the two of them having succumbed to one too many drinking games after awhile. Youngjae found that the more he drank, the less noticeable the tension was between them, so he just continued to do so until he felt his world spin a bit too fast on him when he tried to step away from the beer pong table he had been leaning against.

"Woah, you okay?" Jaebum asks as his hands come out to grasp at his arms and keep him steady. Youngjae hiccups out a small laugh and nods his head. "I'm okay- is th' boat moving?" he asks.

"No, it's still in the same place it was when we got here."

Youngjae frowns, blinking before looking over to stare at Jaebum accusingly. "You've been drinking just as much as me but you don't seem very drunk."

"Maybe I've got a little more experience than you do?" Jaebum suggests with a grin, "Or a higher alcohol tolerance."

"Or—you've been cheating."

"Cheating? With drinking? How?"

"I don't know, but you could be!” Youngjae babbles out, feeling his cheeks flush when Jaebum starts to laugh.

"How about we try to sober up before the fireworks?"

Oh yeah. Those would be soon, wouldn't they? Youngjae takes a moment to take in his surroundings now, noticing that the sun had gone down and the lights from the yacht were now illuminating the space around them. He's not sure when all that had happened but it was enough for him to realize that perhaps sobering up was actually the best thing to do right now, less he does lose his footing and go overboard when someone isn't looking.

”Yeah, okay."

"C'mon. I'll get water and we'll just get into one of the boats now. The fireworks should be anytime now, anyway."

It all passes by rather quickly. Youngjae's only taken a few sips of the water he was given before Jaebum is helping them onto one of the more smaller boats - if you could call it a small boat, but in comparison to the yacht, it was certainly little. It could easily fit ten to twenty people, with enough sitting space and a kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom below deck. There seemed to be some seating towards the front of the boat as well. Which is where Jaebum was leading the two of them now, hand holding onto Youngjae’s steadily while they carefully stepped up the slope to get to the long cushioned flatbeds built into the space. 

"You know this is just asking for me to go overboard," Youngjae says as he looks around, a tight twist of fear in his chest as he peeks over the railing a few feet away and into the dark water.

"I won't let you go overboard." Jaebum assures him while he settles down. "I promise."

Youngjae looks back over at him, sluggish brain not working fast enough to catch up with his mouth just yet and he's talking before he can really think about if it's what he wants to say or not.

"You say that a lot, y'know."

Jaebum gives him a questioning look. "Say what?"

" _I promise._ "

"Is that a bad thing?"

"N-No... it's not. I've just noticed you say it a lot." Where was he going with this? God, this was one of the many reasons why Youngjae never drank. There was no filter. "But I mean you said it a lot when we were little too, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised to still hear it."

"I did?"

"Yeah... to me, at least. I remember you saying it to me a lot."

"I'm surprised you remember."

Jaebum's words aren't meant to be sharp when he says them but something about them still cut at Youngjae's pride and it makes him flinch, head turning to look down as that shame bubbles up once more. He's been dealing with it a lot lately as his days become more and more wrapped around Jaebum. Every minute spent with him, every moment they've made together, every memory he's been reminded of. Jaebum seems to remember majority of their past but Youngjae still struggles to grasp onto those memories from time to time. 

"I didn't mean it in that way, Youngjae." Jaebum says softly, trying to ease away the hurt that's visible on his face. Youngjae's jaw tenses as he shakes his head.

"I know you didn't—I am sorry, though. Honestly? I kinda feel like shit for not remembering some of these things... but it's not like I never cared, you know?" he starts, feeling the emotional word vomit beginning to make its way up his throat. His threshold for control was dwindling to basically nothing now, the alcohol still lingering in his system urging him to let it all out while he still lacked the ability to hold himself back. "I cared. I still do. I don't— I don't want you thinking I don't care about you or that I didn't back then because I did. I did a lot."

"I don't think anything like that. Why would you think that I would?"

"Because I would think that," Youngjae says. "I know that I left and it's been a few years but we both experienced those things together. You remember all these little things about me and you keep telling me about stuff that I've forgotten about and I—I hate that I can't remember them like you do." Youngjae's hands come up to rub at his eyes, hoping to rid the tears threatening to spill over. He isn't even sure if he's making sense but there's a nagging voice in his head that has only grown the more he says, reminding him that there was a reason he forgot a lot about this place. There was a reason he blocked out a majority of those memories. 

That didn't help, though. If anything it only spurred on that guilt.

"I'm not mad about you not remembering things. Like you said, it's been years."

"But you remember them. It'd hurt me if I remembered something that someone else didn't. That'd hurt me." Youngjae inhales shakily, "And I just don't want to hurt you."

The two of them fall silent after those words slip but Youngjae welcomes it as he tries to get himself back together. It's a feeble attempt, really, his nerves too jittery and his chest far too heavy with thoughts and words he had been holding back for so long now desperate to come out of him. He finds distraction in sipping on his water, trying to focus on clearing his head in hopes of bringing sobriety quicker to him so that he can get himself under control once more and shut up. Jaebum's been studying him for a bit now, gaze holding that intensity that Youngjae can't place again, but he continues to act like it's not there. Continues to ignore it.

"Can I tell you something?" Jaebum says suddenly. Youngjae holds his breath and nods his head.

"Promise not to get upset when I tell you?"

Furrowing his brow, Youngjae looks over at Jaebum in question, wondering what kind of words could make him want to ask that before he said them outloud. It makes him uneasy, but he nods his head again.

Jaebum gives him a look. "Let me hear you say it."

"Say what?"

"Say that you promise."

Youngjae's cheeks warm a bit, the irony of it making him almost want to laugh. "I promise. I won't get upset."

Jaebum looks satisfied and sits up from where he had been laying beside him, turning onto his side. "I waited for you. Every summer. When you and your family didn't show up that next summer I wasn't sure what was happening. Maybe my parents knew but they never directly told me. No one seemed to know how to get ahold of you. I didn't have your number, and realized how dumb it was that I never had it in the first place, but I guess I had just gotten used to seeing you every summer for months that I just... always assumed you'd be back again for me to talk to. So I never called. I don't know what kept me from trying to contact you after the next year came and you never showed up, but I just never did... I regret that.

"But I just want you to know that I waited. Even up until last year, but maybe not as expectantly as I had the years before. It had become more of like a hopeful thought that maybe you'd show up this time but you just... never did. Until this year, that is."

Youngjae stares at him, lips parted as the breaths that slip between them become harsher and harsher. He doesn't know why Jaebum is telling him this right now, but he's not entirely sure he can keep his promise anymore about not getting upset. He's desperately searching for words to say but Jaebum speaks again before he can form even a sentence in his head.

"I know something happened with your family but that's about it. I also remember that before all that happened, you were someone I really cared about, despite only seeing you during the summers and I knew you cared about me like I cared about you. Yeah, it's been six years but I still know that you never did any of that to hurt me and I know that you still aren't doing these things to hurt me now, either. So— you don't have to worry about my feelings right now is what I'm trying to get at, Youngjae." Jaebum's voice is gentle as he talks, as if he's trying to comfort the anxiety that he knows he's causing him to feel. "You keep looking at me like you're expecting me to turn around and go off on you and if anything is going to make me hurt it's going to be that look on your face."

"I-I just—“ Youngjae's throat feels tight. "I just feel so bad," he admits.

"Don't feel bad. There's nothing to feel bad over. I'm just happy you're here finally."

"But you—"

"Just stop," Jaebum interrupts him. "Stop comparing my memory to yours. There's no point. If I don't care, you shouldn't either."

Youngjae wishes it were that easy. He wants to say something back but right when he opens his mouth there's commotion erupting towards the back of the boat, and he and Jaebum both turn simultaneously to look and watch as a group begins to get on. The engine starts up, the boat beginning to sway now that more life has come onto it, and Youngjae feels his words die in his mouth as he then remembers that he can't swim and the metal railing surrounding the front of the boat could only protect him from so much. Instinctively his fingers dig into the cushion beneath him.

"Hey! You two better hold on while I'm driving this thing! I'm not going to be responsible for anyone falling over!" a voice complains from somewhere behind them. It sounds suspiciously like Yugyeom's.

"Don't drive like an idiot and there won't be any problems!" Jaebum shouts back, grinning at the affronted response that comes immediately.

”This idiot is driving this boat so you better watch it or else I'll let the lake take you!” And then there's a beat of silence before, "And I'm not an idiot! That's you!"

It takes close to ten minutes for everyone to get on but once they're seated comfortably, Yugyeom begins to finally steer the boat away from the yacht it had been tied to, following the small group of others that were heading towards the middle of the lake. There's chatter and music playing from behind them but Youngjae is tense as he stays as still as possible, trying not to freak out but it's ten times scarier to think about falling in when it's night time and he can't see very well around them to begin with.

Plus, it didn't help that he was literally laying on the front end of the boat.

Suddenly, he feels Jaebum's hand prying one of his own off the cushion to lace their fingers together and it pulls Youngjae's gaze away from the water and back over to him, eyes wide.

"I told you I wasn't going to let you fall off. You'll be fine. We're almost to the middle of the lake, anyway."

Youngjae tightens his grip on Jaebum's hand and waits until the boat finally comes to a stop, the motion from people getting up and moving around causing it to sway again as they set anchor to keep them from drifting off.

"Look, you can see the yacht over there. See?" Jaebum continues, "We aren't far from the land at all."

He points and Youngjae looks over to see that, yes, they actually weren't that far away from the shore or the yacht at all. Thankfully it does help lessen a little bit of his anxiety.

"Just breathe, okay?" Jaebum says, giving Youngjae's hand a squeeze and it's like releasing the air on an inflated balloon. Youngjae lets go of the breath he's been holding, feeling his body slump and his arms and legs begin to tremble from how strung tight they had been. "Okay," he mumbles out.

"Wait right here." 

Youngjae wants to make a joke right then, about how Jaebum expected him to actually be capable of getting up and moving right now, but he stays silent, still overwhelmed. Jaebum stands and carefully makes his way towards the back of the boat. Youngjae can hear him greeting some people, voice lowering as he asks for something, and it takes a couple minutes for him to come back but when he does, Youngjae is surprised when he feels something drape over his shoulders before Jaebum finds his spot next to him once more. Hands coming up he touches a blanket, realizing that its what Jaebum had gone back there to get and feeling a little embarrassed but also a little flustered, as well.

"You didn't have to go get this," Youngjae says, but it doesn't stop him from pulling it around him more and cuddling into it's warmth.

"I know I didn't have to. But I wanted to." Jaebum says casually before picking up their waters and handing Youngjae's back to him.

The silence, this time, isn't as tense. Of course the tension is there since it seems as though it was something that had no intentions of leaving anytime soon, but it was bearable for Youngjae, at least. They wait quietly for the fireworks, sitting and sobering up as quickly as they can until there's the sudden high-pitched sound of a firework being set off. A second of silence passes before an enormous  _boom_  resounds and bright and vibrants colors explode across the sky, lighting up the dark around them for the briefest moment. Screaming and cheering immediately erupts from the back of the boat and all the boats around them. The single firework signals the beginning of the show, and they only wait for a couple more seconds before more fireworks begin to go off in every direction on the lake. 

Youngjae can't look away now. Suddenly, he's forgetting about the dark water around them; it's hard to fear it when the sky gets so bright and erasing it's shadows. The noise is deafening but he welcomes it this time. Before Youngjae realizes it there's a huge smile splitting across his face, cheeks bunching up with it.

With the fireworks Jackson is setting off combined with the ones from other groups across the lake, there's not a single spot that wasn't lit up with an explosion of colors. It's exciting. It makes him feel young again, almost. Something about experiencing them in the middle of the lake on a boat was different than watching them from a window in the city. It fills him with joy and Youngjae's unable to look away, head tilted back trying to take in as much as he can.

There's a flash from beside him, one that didn't belong to a firework. Youngjae looks over in surprise to see that Jaebum is holding up one of his disposable cameras and has it directed at him. The other pulls it down and gives him a shameless grin, mouth opening as he says something but the fireworks drown it out and make it hard to hear. Youngjae furrows his brow in confusion and Jaebum shakes his head before leaning in to close the small distance between them, lips coming to Youngjae's ear to repeat what he said and Youngjae tries to conceal how his body shivers.

"Sorry. You looked really cute," He thinks he can feel Jaebum's smile against the shell of his ear right then. "I couldn't help myself."

Color finds Youngjae's cheeks and he huffs out a laugh, playfully pushing at Jaebum and trying to ignore how his words made something in his gut churn. "Shut up!" Youngjae says, even though his words are muffled from the loudness of the fireworks display. There's a sudden rush of affection that flows through him and without thinking he unwraps the blanket from around his shoulders and brings it in front of him, shaking it out completely and then throwing it over both their legs. Jaebum raises his brow but doesn't question it, and when Youngjae wordlessly lays onto his back and gets more comfortable to stare up at the sky, Jaebum follows right beside him until they're laying down next to each other, pulling up the blanket to wrap up around them and watching the fireworks together.

Eventually the fireworks begin to slow down, leaving some of the bigger and more extravagant ones for the grand finale. Youngjae finds himself falling into the moment in a way he hasn't in a long time.

And it's because he's happy.

It's almost foreign, this genuine feeling of happiness that's beginning to bloom within his chest. It's also visceral, catching him off guard and before he can process what he's thinking or what he's doing or where it's all coming from Youngjae feels the tears well up. The light from the fireworks catches in his eyes and makes them practically glow, so it's impossible to hide them when Jaebum happens to look over at him.

"Youngjae?" he sits up in surprise, turning to Youngjae with such a deep and real look of concern that it only makes the tears grow until they're finally falling. "What's wrong?"

"I'm fine," Youngjae says quickly, voice tight as he tries to keep it back. "It's stupid. I promise. I'm fine."

"It's not stupid. You're crying."

"They're not bad tears," Youngjae says, laughing breathily.

"Then why are you crying?"

Because he hasn't felt something like this in so long. Because he's been living the past few years of his life with a constant grey cloud over his head, the rain that it drenched him in taking away anything even remotely good and making him numb to everything. Because he's been so angry and bitter. He's been so sad and guilty. He's felt everything but happiness and it's almost like he had forgotten that it was once something that was apart of his life. There had been times where he smiled and enjoyed things. Times where his laughter wasn't forced. Times where he actually looked forward to his days and looked forward to seeing his friends and looked forward to spending time with his family. He was crying because not only had he forgotten about Jaebum, and the lake, and all their memories together, but he had forgotten how it felt to feel truly happy, as well.

Something unfurls in his chest and Youngjae knows he shouldn't be crying-god knows his pride was going to be wounded from doing it a second time around Jaebum again-but he can't help it now. It's all so much; it's too much. It's weighing him down like an anchor. 

"I'm happy," he finally breathes out, laughing at how ridiculous he's being. "I sound so stupid. I'm sorry. I'm just—I think I'm really happy right now."

"You think? So these are happy tears?" Jaebum asks.

They are; but they aren't at the same time. Youngjae is happy but he feels like he's mourning what his life has become. Youngjae is happy but he feels like his heart is breaking a little as well.

"I don't know what they are. They're just tears. I don't know—" Youngjae shrugs, trying to wipe them out of his eyes now. "I guess I just forgot how it felt," he quietly admits in the brief lull of silence between the end of one firework and the beginning of the next, so he knows Jaebum must've heard it.

He feels Jaebum's hand take ahold of his once more and Youngjae lets him pull it away from his eyes, turning to look up at him from where he was still sitting up. That familiar intense look was back on his face but there's something different about it right now that makes Youngjae’s breath catch in his throat. He couldn't read it before but now it's like there's something pressed deep into the angles of Jaebum's face that, although Youngjae still couldn't put into words what he's seeing, he can feel it and it's like a wave of energy.

Or, maybe more like a firework being set off. How it's lit and then shoots up into sky to find it's point of destination right before it goes—

And then, before Youngjae even has the time to realize what's happening, Jaebum is suddenly moving from beside him to loom over where he's still laying down, arms coming out to cage him in his spot. It happens within just a few seconds and disorients Youngjae so much that he only manages to look into Jaebum's eyes and realize how close he's gotten to his face right before he watches them close and then feels the warm press of Jaebum's lips against his own.

He's kissing him. Jaebum is kissing him right now.

Youngjae can hear his heartbeat in his ears, face burning with the realization as he freezes, eyes wide in their shock. He really hadn't been expecting it but as Jaebum starts to pull away moments later and Youngjae's senses start to come back to him, he discovers that he's not ready for the kiss to end just yet because he kinda liked the way it had felt.

The next firework explodes in the sky and Youngjae finally reacts.

Arms coming up quickly before Jaebum can pull away anymore he wraps them around broad shoulders and yanks the other back down, lifting himself halfway off the cushion to press their lips back together with intent. Thankfully Jaebum responds immediately, his lips moving against his own eagerly and their bodies melt down against one another until Youngjae feels the satisfying weight of Jaebum on top of him pressing him further into the cushion he's laying on. A rush spreads through him and catches him off guard, nearly leaving him breathless, the intensity and urgency of their lips increasing despite Youngjae desperately gasping for air every few seconds. But he doesn't want to stop- he doesn't want to lose this feeling just yet.

Jaebum kisses him like a man dying of thirst, and Youngjae's the source of water he's been desperately needing for so long. Or maybe it's the other way around, because Youngjae feels like he's drowning with how much want is coursing through him. He may not have physically fallen overboard and into the lake's water but mentally he thinks he's there and he's not fighting against it this time. He's letting the other pull him further down and accepting how his lungs fill and scream for air, but he's just too greedy to let Jaebum go yet.

It's Jaebum who pulls away first though, and Youngjae is gasping for breath the moment they pull away from each other, chest heaving as he takes in as much air as he can. Youngjae's eyes open to stare up at Jaebum who is staring back, his dark gaze looking at all of him and Youngjae takes a moment to admire how the firework that goes off just then lights up behind Jaebum and silhouettes his body. He almost looks untouchable, or maybe like someone that Youngjae would only think would be in a dream, but as the firework fades away it reminds him that Jaebum is real. He's real and he's right there and Youngjae had just touched him.

"I've been wanting to do that since I first saw you at the shop." Jaebum suddenly admits. Youngjae blinks up at him in surprise.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Really."

Youngjae doesn't know how to respond to that, to be honest. It flusters him further but it also makes him happy to hear- and it seems that maybe that's going to be something that Jaebum is going to make a habit of bringing back into his life.

Happiness.

"You know if I keep making you cry like this I'm going to start actually feeling bad," Jaebum says in a light tone, his words holding the slightest bit of a tease in but Youngjae clings to them like a lifeline and laughs because they help ease away the pressure of everything that was happening. 

"Shut up," Youngjae mumbles out, causing Jaebum's smile to widen.

"At least they're happy tears though, right?"

And this time Youngjae feels like they are. He doesn't feel what he had been feeling just moments ago. The feeling in his chest is warm and he's comforted by Jaebum, the blanket, and the fireworks that are coming to an end. This was the closest to happy he had felt in a very long time.

As the final firework of the night goes off, Youngjae has the thought that he could get used to feeling happy again if Jaebum was going to be the one making him feel it.

 

*

 

_"You got one! You got one!" Jaebum yells from beside him in excitement, practically jumping as Youngjae struggles to hold onto the fishing pole in his hands as it's yanked around._

_"It's r-really strong!" Youngjae stutters out, hands shaking as he holds on as tightly as he can, trying to ignore how his body trembles from both excitement and nerves._

_"You can do it! I know you can!" Jaebum encourages, hands waving around as if they're trying to figure out what to do. They had been sitting around for a few hours now with not much activity. Youngjae had almost caught one but the fish got loose. It had been a little disheartening but he had been determined to catch at least one today and this one had to be it._

_His brow furrows as he focuses, trying to remember everything Jaebum had taught him but the fish was really strong. Youngjae felt like it could drag him off the dock if it wanted to._

_"I think my hands are slipping-" he says nervously, his arms burning from the struggle of holding the fishing pole and reeling. Suddenly, Jaebum hops up behind him and clasps his hands over his own, keeping them there but taking over in reeling the fish in. Youngjae watches with wide eyes as it gets closer and closer until he sees the line finally break from the surface of the water and the fish is there in front of them. Youngjae shoots forward to grab it, and in a moment of pure excitement and glee, he starts laughing hysterically and jumping up and down with it- so much that Jaebum ends up mirroring him, bright smile on his face and high pitched laughter echoing around them._

_"You did it!" Jaebum shouts, and Youngjae shakes his head. "No! You did it! You helped pull him in!"_

_"Your hands were still on it!"_

_"Then we did it! We finally caught one!"_

_The scene would probably be rather comical for anyone passing by. Youngjae does victory dance and Jaebum is still laughing over it. It takes a few moments for them to calm down before a thought suddenly hits Youngjae while he's looking at the fish still flopping in his hands._

_"What do we do with it now?"_

_Jaebum is still smiling as he calms down, shrugging his shoulders. "You can either keep him and eat him or you can throw him back."_

_"We went through all that just to throw him back?!" Youngjae asks, looking as scandalized as a seven year old could._

_"My dad always says it's for the sport of it- or something like that."_

_Youngjae frowns as he looks down at the fish. "I don't wanna eat him..." Youngjae says with a pout, thinking about the worm he had had to sacrifice in order to catch him. Jaebum watches him for a moment before smiling and setting his fishing pole down. Then he carefully removes the hook out of the fishes mouth. "Lets just put him back."_

_It seems kinda stupid especially after all that hard work, but Youngjae knows he doesn't want the fish to die, so after sighing in resigned agreement he moves back to the edge of the dock, carefully reaching over the edge to set the fish back into the water. It's fins start flipping immediately, splashing water on him and Youngjae lets out a shout before releasing the fish completely, staring as it swims off back into the depths of the lake. Jaebum comes up and ruffles his hair affectionately, giving him a toothy smile when Youngjae looks up at him._

_"Don't be sad. You did awesome. You caught him and that's what matters, right?"_

_Youngjae can't help but smile back, feeling the praise perk his mood back up._

_"You're right. I'm really happy you taught me how to fish, Bummie. That was really fun."_

_Jaebum smiles wider and crouches down beside him to wrap an arm over his shoulders._

_"_ _As long as you're happy, Youngjae, I'm happy too."_

**Author's Note:**

> no your eyes are not deceiving you! i'm barely here but there is a pulse and i'm alive, so that's what matters.
> 
> i'm sorry for the absence but i had to give myself some time away from writing so that i didn't lose my muse or feel too burnt out. i hope you all understand and i'm so SO SOOO thankful for everyone who has been so patient with me and has been so kind. i appreciate all your positive words more than you know! 
> 
> as an apology though, i'm giving you 2jae. i hope you all forgive me now. ♡
> 
> so, this is going to be a two chapter fic because with the way it's going the idea of posting it as a one-shot seemed almost too excessive (shout out to stress loads). this first chapter literally took me a good month or so to finally finish so that just gives you an idea on how long it takes me sometimes to write. but i have the second chapter completely planned out from start to finish, so it'll come as soon as i can get it written (i promise). and YES there will be smut in the second chapter. YOU ALL ARE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT FOR IT THOUGH... love ya.
> 
> but i hope you all enjoy the first part of vertigo!!! as always please forgive any spelling errors. i don't have a beta and do my best to edit through it and catch everything but sometimes i miss things! also as another side note: i realized too late into the fic i was spelling jb's name as jaebum instead of jaebeom so forgive me for that. i was 10k words in and didn't have the energy to change them all.
> 
> until next time ♡  
> (reminder that i am on [twitter](https://twitter.com/springjaes) and [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/springjaes) and am always happy to answer questions!)


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